DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
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Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.