Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
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WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Do not steal food from the science building!
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor