Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
kevin is now a local weatherman
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
pep talk
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
(Gaming support cat.)
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
At least my masseuse has my back.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.