@ArfMeasures

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

You Might Also Like

@nthonyswan

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

@TheAlexNevil

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

@sensual_dad

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

@ilovepie84

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

@WilliamAder

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

@JasonLastname

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

@ULTRAGLOSS

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

@AudreyPorne

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂