Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond