Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
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My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.