Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
LMAO.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
<- sleeps well with others
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?