DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
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My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week