Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
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I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO