date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.