DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
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Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
bad news gang
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more