DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
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So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
That earthquake could have been an email.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
they really do be looking like this
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”