date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
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The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.