Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
congratulations to them
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.