date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us