Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
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At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no