Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong