date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
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Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC