date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
You Might Also Like
LA today:
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%