Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
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Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
We’ve all been there
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
There’s only one good girl here!
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.