DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
these two trucks have the same bed length
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?