Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
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“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord