Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
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[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.