Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
lol
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Somebody’s lying.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.