Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Monday Lisa
a public service announcement
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice