Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

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“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White


If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.


My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’


I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.


*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”


MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?


Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.


Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food


When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.


David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!