[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
You Might Also Like
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
umm…
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.