[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
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There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.