[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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Well well well…
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil