*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
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[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Not😆🤣
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home