[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.