@daemonic3

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

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@Tharin_P

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

@girl_a_whirl

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

@daemonic3

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

@ThisOneSayz

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

@fckboyseatpizza

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

@iAmDelFreaky

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

@GoldenSpirals

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

@IamEveryDayPpl

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now