[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
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shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
the battle rages on
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?