[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
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I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]