[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
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May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”