[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Netflix and awkward silence?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.