[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
You Might Also Like
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
*launders Kohls cash*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Meme Monday.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.