[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
You Might Also Like
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”