[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
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The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now