[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”