[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
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Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
How high do the levels go?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope