[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
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I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?