[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.