[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
You Might Also Like
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I’m awake but I object,
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
my dog when i have a friend over
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun