ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

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who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens


I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught


[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home


I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.


UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.


*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car


Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs


My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?



ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?



“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”