[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
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Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Social distancing in Australia:
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I need better friends
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.