{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka