[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.