[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
You Might Also Like
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”