[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
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One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.