Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house