[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
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This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out