[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
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You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
This meal prepping shit easy
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
when mom throws a party…
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.