[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
When ur friends with white people
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive