[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Free him
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.