dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
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Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
The Backseat Boys
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.